


I really see you upside down (but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you 'round)

by onamondaymorning



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst, F/F, Falling In Love, also pretty sad, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 17:55:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2859761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onamondaymorning/pseuds/onamondaymorning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Through two timelines (present & past) follows the evolution and eventual dissolution of Laura and Carmilla's relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I really see you upside down (but my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you 'round)

**Author's Note:**

> This is totally AU (also Carmilla is not a vampire)

1.

  
“You are un-fucking-beliavable!” Laura hasn’t even completely closed the house door behind her yet here they are, already shouting at each other.

“No really Laura, please tell me what the fuck is your problem, because I can’t fucking understand it”

“Would you please…please, stop yelling at me?” Laura can already feel a terrible headache approaching.

“No I won’t fucking stop yelling at you, until you tell me what’s wrong!”

“You are so frustrating!”

“Oh, am I? Am I really? Because you have been ignoring me all night, sitting with your arms crossed and that stupid pouty face of yours.”

Laura laughs, dryly. “It’s funny that you noticed, because you have been flirting all night with your stupid coworker. I didn’t know you two had a date with each other, I would have stayed home otherwise.”

“What the fuck, Laura? Are you serious? What are you, thirteen?”

Laura takes off her shoes and doesn’t answer.

Carmilla gives her a look of pity before going into the bathroom to change for the night. “You are a child.”

//

They go to bed and it’s tense; Carmilla rolls her eyes and gets under the covers while Laura takes her time, checking the heat and choosing a book to read.

“I’m tired. Turn off the light.”

“Right, because it’s always what you want.”

“Laura.” She says her name and it sounds like a plead.

Laura settles next to her, but their legs don’t touch, eyes avoiding each other.

“Laura.” Carmilla tries again, a sweeter tone, all anger gone from her voice.

Laura puts on her reading glasses and ignores her.

//

It’s nothing new, in fact it’s been their routine for a long time now. It’s difficult to remember a time when they were not fighting. It’s always something petty, like jealousy or who forgot to do the dishes, but they don’t talk afterwards. They don’t kiss and make up like they used to.

So anger and frustration keep adding and it never really goes away.

Sometimes Laura wonders when it started, and can’t quite pinpoint the first time it felt like a lost cause; fighting with Carmilla has always been part of the relationship, but it didn’t really bother her at the beginning, like, at all. It was intense and passionate and she thought that’s what true love was supposed to be like.

They would fight because she didn’t check her phone or because Carmilla forgot her birthday and then they would fuck each other’s brains out and put it behind them.

She doesn’t know when it stopped working (perhaps it never worked in the first place).

They got good at ignoring each other, at living separate lives under the same roof: different friends, different books, different jobs.

Sometimes Laura asks herself if she still loves Carmilla; the answer (yes) always comes to her quickly, so quickly she doesn’t have time to consider if it’s an honest answer or not.

Other times she wonders about love and about being in love, and always stops herself before she can admit out loud that maybe what she feels for Carmilla is a totally different story.

 

* * *

  
“Laura relax, it’s just a date”.

Laura laughs, nervously fixing her hair in front of the mirror. “Just a date, Betty? Really?!”

Betty rolls her eyes, not bothering to answer. She falls back on her bed and starts scrolling through her phone, a bored expression plastered all over her face.

Laura checks her make up (just some mascara, no lip gloss , you don’t wanna look too eager – she has to remember herself) for the millionth time, grabs her purse and heads towards the door.

“Have fun!” Betty shouts. Laura doesn’t answer: she is too busy reminding herself not to throw up during dinner.

//

Dinner goes surprisingly smoothly: Carmilla is wonderful, and looks and sounds exactly like she does when they are in class (PHIL 210 – existentialist metaphysics); she is smart, well-spoken and extremely charming.

It happens between a shared dish of shrimp and the dessert; Laura regrets saying anything as soon as the words leave her mouth, but it’s too late. “Why me? Why didn’t you ask out someone…more like you?”

Carmilla stares at her for a few moments, quietly sipping her red wine.

Laura has all the time to regret asking the question.

“You are beautiful.” She simply states. “And passionate; I can see that when we engage in discussions in class and you never, ever miss the chance to prove a point.”

Carmilla chuckles and Laura feels her cheeks burn. It’s not embarrassment though, it’s just a warm feeling. Being understood.

“I think you are extremely smart, and you don’t really care about what other people think…but I also think you are kind of lonely. And I think you deserve someone that notices you. Someone who appreciates how bright and full of life you are.”

She gives Laura a smile; she looks almost shy, like she has said too much.

Laura feels her eyes start to burn and fights to hold back the tears; Carmilla is right, she feels lonely and unappreciated and she can’t believe someone who only sees her three times a week has figured that out.

“Thank you.”

They hold hands over the table ‘til dinner is over.

//

As they walk back to the dorms, still holding hands, they fall in a comfortable silence. The night is not too cold, the sky seems closer than usual, filled with stars that have Laura thinking about a time she didn’t even exist in.

She doesn’t know if it’s Carmilla’s presence that has her feeling so nostalgic of a time they weren’t together, of a time she can’t remember and is not sure she ever got to live. Her thoughts are reeling and she feels light headed when Carmilla drags her towards a secluded corner and pushes her against a tree; they kiss passionately and it feels like the stars are winking from above, burning and burning and then Laura is not thinking anymore, only feeling and feeling.

//

When she makes it home eventually Betty is up, waiting to hear all about it.

Laura is still in a daze from Carmilla ( _Carmilla Carmilla Carmilla_ ).

She goes to bed quietly, not wanting to ruin the magic just yet.

“Dinner went perfectly.” It’s all she has to offer to Betty, and then she is off to the sweetest dreams.

 

 

2.

“Laura, I can’t do this anymore.” Carmilla is looking at her, really looking at her for what feels like the first time in months.

“You are with someone else, right?”

Carmilla covers her face with her hands, exasperated. “Laura, are you even listening to me?”

Laura doesn’t answer.

“Please Laura, please just talk to me. I can’t do this anymore if you don’t even talk to me!”

“Who is she? The one you were flirting with at dinner last week?”

Carmilla groans out of frustration. “Are you fucking listening to me?”

“I wanna know who she is! I have the right to know, if you’re fucking someone else.”

She shoves Carmilla against the closet. Carmilla doesn’t push back.

Laura starts crying.

“Listen to me Laura, I love you. I love you, you stupid idiot! But you won’t talk to me”

“Don’t say you love me.” Her cries are panic-stricken; it’s getting harder to breathe, her lungs feel like they are being constricted in between her bones.

“But I do!” Carmilla takes a step towards her.

“Don’t…don’t touch me.” She can’t be having a panic attack right now. She can’t show her any weakness.

“Laura, please. Just listen to me. Okay? Breathe. Just breathe.”

Laura listens to her, against her own willing.

“One, two, three, four. C’mon Laura, count with me.”

Laura does as she is being told.

Carmilla puts her arms around her, softly. “I care about you, okay? But you gotta listen to me.”

Laura can’t speak, so she just stays there, trapped between Carmilla’s arms.

//

“I can’t talk right now, I’ll be late to work”

“Laura, please.”

Laura rolls her eyes. “Carmilla, I have a job that requires me being there on time; that’s what they pay me for. I don’t have flexible hours to accommodate my needs.” She doesn’t add “like you do”; it’s not necessary.

“Well I’m sorry me being successful makes you bitter, but I really need to talk to you right now.”

Laura groans. “I can’t. I really can’t. “

Carmilla’s shoulders drop as she sighs, resigned.

“Tonight, okay?”

Carmilla nods.

She is not there when Laura gets back from work at nine pm.

//

They meet for coffee three days later at a place they used to go, when they were younger and such fools.

Carmilla is already sitting when Laura arrives.

“I don’t have a lot of time to talk, I’m on my lunch break.”

Carmilla shakes her head, then decides not to say anything.

Laura orders a cup of decaf.

“What are we doing?” Carmilla’s words fall from her mouth effortlessly: she is tired, tired of waiting, tired of playing pretend.

“Carm…” Laura feels her voice tremble.

“No really, what happened to us?”

Laura puts her hands on the table and starts playing absentmindedly with the fingers and bracelets she is wearing.

“We changed.” She says after an intense silence.

Carmilla’s features soften. “I know we did, sweetheart.”

“And maybe…our love didn’t change with us.”

Carmilla chuckles at this. “Laura Hollis, majored in journalism.”

Laura can’t help smiling, despite all of this.

“We are messy, Carmilla. We loved each other and we made a mess with it.”

“I still love you.”

Carmilla looks into her eyes, trying to show her she is being honest.

“No you don’t. And that’s okay.”

“Don’t tell me how I feel.”

“I’m not…” Laura struggles to find the words. “I’m not telling you how you feel. I’m telling you what I feel, and I don’t feel like you love me anymore.”

“Because you don’t acknowledge me; it’s like I don’t fucking exist for you anymore, and it hurts.”

Laura shrugs. “I don’t know how to love you anymore. And my defense mechanisms suck.”

Carmilla is quiet for a while.

“So, this is it?”

Laura bites her lip and can’t meet her gaze. “I guess.”

“It’s funny, isn’t it? After all these years…and now we don’t even know how to talk to each other anymore.”

“We went through so much and now we have nothing left to say”

Carmilla touches Laura's hand with her finger, gently. “We had something, though.”

Laura nods. “For a while.”

“I’m glad it happened. I’m glad it was you.”

“Carmilla…”

“Yes, you broke my heart. But I wouldn’t have done it any differently. Well, I mean – with anyone else. Of course I would have changed the end, if possible.”

Laura doesn’t say anything.

//

As she walks fast, trying to make it to work on time, she replays Carmilla’s last words over and over in her head. And as she finally allows herself to admit that no, given the chance she wouldn’t do any of this again, because loving Carmilla was hell, and it broke her heart and probably damaged her for any hypothetical future relationship, she realizes it has been over for a very long time. 

 

* * *

 

“Who were you just talking to?”

“What?” Carmilla is looking at Laura with a confused expression.

“That guy you were just talking to.”

“Oh, Will? He is just someone from my class.”

Laura is still looking at Carmilla, like maybe she was expecting a different answer.

Carmilla shakes it off.

“So, where are we going for dinner?” She asks, casually.

Laura smiles brightly. “You’ll love it, I promise.”

//

They are making their way back to Silas; Laura is driving, quietly smiling as she remembers the pleasant night they just had.

“You could have told me you were going to introduce me to your dad, you know? I would have, I don’t know, tried to make a better first impression.”

Laura puts her right hand on top of Carmilla. “You did amazing. He loved you.”

Carmilla smiles, sincerely. “He did?”

“Totally.”

“And you?”

Laura is taken aback. “I, well…” She stutters, not knowing what to say.

“Hey cupcake? I was just kidding.”

Laura takes a deep breath, relieved.

“Even though it was kind of awkward when he asked me what are my intentions with you…we haven’t even talked about it.” Her tone is serious all of a sudden.

Laura takes her eyes off of the road to look at the girl next to her.

“Yeah, I guess we haven’t.”

Carmilla stays quiet.

“I’m not seeing anyone else.” Laura admits.

“And I mean that’s fine, because I don’t even want to. And I just, I guess, took for granted it was the same for you? I shouldn’t have, oh god, why am I so stupid? Now I made things awkward and…”

“Stop the car.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Stop the car, Laura.”

So she does. They are literally in the middle of nowhere. The road they are driving on sees very few cars during the day, even less at eleven pm on a Tuesday night.

Carmilla takes Laura’s hand. “Follow me.”

Laura is not athletic, so she has no idea how she managed to get on top of her car, but Carmilla is right behind her, and then they are lying down, fingers still laced.

“Look at the stars.” Carmilla’s voice's not more than a whisper.

Laura does. Her heart usually goes fast (and when she is with Carmilla it goes **fast fast fast** ) but in this moment, with Carmilla’s head nuzzled against the crook of her neck, looking at infinity right above them, she feels the blood pumping slower, her mind finally able to relax.

They stay like that for a long time, breathing in each other and the nature all around them.

So when Carmilla kisses her ear lightly, before whispering a quiet “I’m in love with you, Laura Hollis” against her chest, it feels like the stars aligned and the world stopped for some time, only to allow them to be together in this perfect moment.

“I’m in love with you too, Carmilla. I will always be.”

 

 

3.

  

Carmilla comes by the apartment a couple of weeks later, around eight. Laura is having pizza rolls for dinner and feels and looks like shit.

Carmilla, on the other end, is stunning (she always was).

“Come in” Laura invites her in, embarrassed. It’s their house after all; it feels weird.

“I don’t want to be a bother. I will just take a couple of boxes of clothes, okay? I will send someone for the books and well…you can keep anything else.”

“Carmilla, sit down for a moment, ok?”

She follows Laura into the living room and makes herself comfortable on the couch.

Laura pours herself a glass of wine and offers another one to Carmilla, who declines.

“I have to drive and I already had something before coming here” she quietly offers as an explanation.

Laura’s chest suddenly clenches at her words.

Carmilla notices and tries to ease her. “I was out for drinks with some people from work.”

“That woman?”

Carmilla avoids her gaze.

“Answer me.” Laura is not usually aggressive, but she hates being wrong.

Carmilla slightly nods. “It’s nothing, we just…I told her you and me broke up and she wanted to help me loosen up a bit. Nothing happened.”

Laura groans. She knows that if Carmilla feels the need to reassure her, it’s because something is happening. Or will happen soon enough.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now.”

“What? Laura, we just had a few drinks. I don’t even like her.”

“But she likes you.”

Carmilla looks hurt. “That’s not any of your business anymore.”

Laura is growing angrier and angrier. She fucking knew this, and Carmilla treated her like she was crazy just a month ago for even thinking there could be something going on between her and someone else.

“You come here tonight, knowing you have to see me, looking all good because you went on a fucking date before meeting me? You’re such a bitch.”

“What the hell is wrong with you, Laura? You can’t control me anymore.”

“I never controlled you!”

“Oh yes you did! You were such a control freak. It’s not my fault you’re still that same insecure college girl who couldn’t believe I had an interest in her. People grow up, Laura!”

Laura throws the red wine at Carmilla and then slaps her with all the anger she felt at the other girl’s words. Because she was fucking right, and it hurts.

Carmilla slaps her back, with all the anger she feels at the fact that Laura broke her heart, yet here she is, still demanding and childish and un-fucking-believable.

They are tearing each other’s clothes apart as quickly as they are when hurting each other.

“You’re such a bitch.” Carmilla moans, between a lick and a bite at Laura’s lips.

“You had it coming” she answers, panting. “I can’t believe you would come here, in our house” she punctuates the words with a particularly intense scrape at Carmilla’s collarbone “after letting another woman screw you.”

Carmilla laughs in between moans. “She didn’t screw me.”

“Of course not. Not like I’m about to.”

“You are fucking crazy.” Her eyes are hooded now, almost black.

Laura shoves her against the door, turns her around and starts grinding into her from behind. “I don’t care if you think I’m crazy. I was right.”

“Shut up” Carmilla turns around and pushes Laura back on the couch, straddling her.

They fuck like they have a point to make, and maybe they are both crazy for thinking it was ever love between them.

 

* * *

 

She feels Carmilla everywhere: above her, inside her, and it’s never enough. The smell of her shampoo is making Laura dizzy, so she throws her head over her pillow and closes her eyes.

Carmilla comes up to ask her if she’s okay, if this is okay, if she should go on.

“Yes, yes and yes.”

Carmilla stays up there with her, kissing her neck, then her jaw, then her cheek. She comes closer to her lips but doesn’t touch them.

Her hands are moving around Laura’s body, softly.

“You are so” Carmilla kisses her collarbone “very” then her navel “beautiful.” She moves to her left hip and puts her lips there too, not kissing, not licking, just resting.

Carmilla feels hot touching her skin, moving against her, looking her in the eyes so intensely.

Laura feels like crying, but she can’t, not right now, not in a moment like this.

Carmilla is kissing her thighs, waiting in between every kiss to make sure Laura is okay.

And when she spots the tears in her eyes, she doesn’t hesitate and stops.

“Carm, it’s okay.”

Carmilla takes Laura’s face in between her hands and just looks at her. “What’s wrong? Talk to me, Laura.”

“It’s just. I’ve never…not like this.”

Carmilla strokes her hair, smiling. “I know. Me neither.”

“Now get back to work” Laura jokes, laughing and crying at the same time.

Carmilla complies.

Laura feels like she is floating away; she wants to stay here, in the moment, with Carmilla, but she can’t. It’s too much.

Carmilla grabs her hand from down under, hard, and doesn’t let her go.

So Laura relaxes completely and lets go, and just before she is completely blissed out, she remembers what she used to hear in health class when she was younger: it’s so much better when you are in love.

 

 

 

4.

 

Carmilla is in the kitchen the morning after, making herself coffee. She looks good in a plaid shirt, too large for her small frame. Laura looks at her for a moment before interrupting, knowing this will be the last she sees of her.

Carmilla feels her gaze though, because she quickly turns around and blushes. “I was gonna go after coffee, don’t worry. I’m not planning on sticking around any longer.”

“It’s okay” Laura shrugs, pouring some coffee for herself too.

“You never liked caffeine” Carmilla says, and it’s not a question nor a comment.

“Maybe I’m ready  for something new.”

Carmilla smiles. “I hope you are.”

They end up sitting next to each other, Carmilla’s legs pressed against Laura’s hip, Laura’s arm grazing Carmilla’s chest.

They drink their coffee quietly. It’s not as dense as their silences from the past weeks. It feels kind of alright. Like they are drained from all the anger and the sadness and the misunderstandings.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?”

Carmilla nods in agreement.

“You were right last night, you know?”

Carmilla nods again.

“I never got over the fact you felt too different from me; I wish I felt like I was enough, like I didn’t have to prove to everyone that we were good for each other.”

“I wish I made you feel like you were enough.”

“You tried.” Laura offers, along with a smile.

“So what now? Are we like, friends?”

Laura laughs. “God no, we could never. We weren’t friends before, and surely we weren’t friends when dating.”

Carmilla is silent for a while. “Maybe that’s the problem.”

“We both learned something we could use for future relationships, at least.”

They both laugh at this. “Right.”

“Seriously, though.” Laura continues “I hope I will be able to be functional in the future.”

“You just need to listen more” Carmilla tells her, and it’s not bitter. It’s not pleading.

“And you need to learn how to be less of a bitch” Laura answers, laughing. She tries to hold back the tears.

(it doesn’t work)

Carmilla puts her arm around her waist, affectionately.

“This is a nice apartment; I could really see myself happy in it. Too bad we grew out of it eventually.”

Laura silently agrees, and if it sounds like a metaphor for their relationship, she doesn’t comment on that either.

 

* * *

 

It’s a week before graduation and Carmilla has been mysterious for a while; Laura doesn’t want to think too much of it, but it’s making her nervous.

So when Carmilla picks her up from her dorm room that night, covers Laura’s eyes with a blindfold and drags her somewhere twenty minutes away from campus, Laura can’t say she is completely surprised.

When she finds herself without blindfold though, key in hand, an unfamiliar door in front of her, she is most definitely confused. She looks quizzically at Carmilla, who just shrugs, a little embarrassed.

“Get in, cupcake”

Laura puts the key in, and when she opens the door, her mouth falls open and stays there for a while.

An empty apartment seems to be waiting for her. It’s only after she gets completely in that she notices: a red ribbon, on the floor at the center of what is probably gonna be a living room.

“If you like it, it’s yours. Well, ours.” Carmilla corrects herself chuckling.

“Carm…” Laura doesn’t know what to say. She loves it. She loves her girlfriend. Life is great.

//

They move in a couple of weeks later. Carmilla is pushing a heavy box full of books through the door, while Laura just looks at her and laughs.

When most of the stuff is inside, they go outside to then get in one more time, officially.

They look around the living room surprised at how smoothly things worked out; they look at each other with eyes full of love and hope.

Laura gives Carmilla a kiss, before taking her hand and dragging her in: officially.

“I’m so happy right now. This is gonna be such an adventure.” Laura enthusiastic tone makes Carmilla giddy.

“I love it already. I love you.” Carmilla answers.

They walk inside together, never letting go of each other’s hands.


End file.
